SOSSEGADO GIRL!

When younger, I was the quintessential sossegado girl. Today, this seems like a distant dream and possibly even a forgotten reality. I lived the essence of sossegado, spent a lot of time listening to friends and about their calamities, spent a lot of time being calm and composed and offering advise and possibly much wisdom that may not have been really what I thought it to be. I spent a lot of time reading (no wonder, I have a collection of 4800 odd books), looking at the stars, peering at flaking paints on walls, sketching intricate macro details of nature, lying on the beach and staring at the sun like in a contest to glisten my eyes brighter than him, addressing every comment that was passed by my family and sit near a coffee day for hours and watch life pass me by and accepting that this is what I wanted and how I wanted it to be.

I remember once my dad mockingly singing an old Hindi song which was essentially impressing upon my laziness for not being awake even though it was 11:45. Nothing fazed me, I was so convinced that this was the way to be. Of course, all of this came much after a huge breakdown in my personal life and when I realized that living to provide and make other’s lives comfortable meant nothing at all. After all, we are all very much dispensable and while we like to mark up names of all the tasks and responsibilities we take up, the truth is that we do it because we want to. We like to make people depend on us, we like to think that we are the reason our families thrive, we like to believe that we make things move. Nothing wrong with any of it unless it starts to take away the ability of you living your own life.

Again, this was the learning I have now had after a much recent second very critical breakdown in my life. I may still be in the midst of this whirlwind, but what I decided to do was to try and get in touch with my sossegado self. I have now realized that many did not even acknowledge the sacrifices made on my behalf and most of it was gone unregistered. Then I wondered why this was important as I was trying to do all of this for me because it was my passion. This made me see the horrifying reality of how I had started to live quiet another reality. It felt like I had turned into something that I essentially was not. It felt like I was a captive developing a psychological alliance with my captors. In psychological terms, it is called the ‘Stockholm syndrome’. Work can sometimes become just this — a captor and all the energies that come with it can consume one and essentially change the nature of your fabric.

It is necessary to get in touch with this reality at all times. Anything can consume you — a marriage, a need to be there for your children (normal or special), a job, a search of the spiritual self, a holiday just about anything can consume the very you. And this is not something I ever wanted. So, I had to step back. I have spent a week now, stepping back, going back in my shell — aiming at ‘Sossegado slowish living’. Just a month before, if anyone checked the chemicals in my brain they would realize that I was dealing with a fierce tussle going on in there.

I have started my meditation, my writing, my cooking, my staring at the mango groove that I so so love. I am detaching myself from my environment, my only hook being my little one — hector who always brings a smile on my face and forces the sossagado by literally pawing and digging his nails on my thigh if I sit for too long in front of my laptop. I now spend time looking at airbnb, planning a vacation away to my heart’s longing — this year I have promised myself my Sossegado. I am unpacking my painting boxes, and I am stopping to get in touch with that Sossegado girl. No more pressures to meet anyone, no more pressure to work coz I have to, no I will work coz I want to and no more pressures to be around for everyone who can manage, as I am dispensable. It is a liberating feeling this one. Especially when all one is left with is a need to deal with the effervescent idea of being misunderstood, judged for being a perfectionist while the benefits of it are mainly reaped by many others and under-valued along with the idea to get above it all to achieve what I truly need. Sossegado, sossegado sings my heart and I hope I shall achieve what once was!